Deciding

I only just posted but I wanted to post again. I am kind of going to be using this as a kind of online diary. So I'll post when I damn well feel like it.

I'm reading this book. It's a really well known book called Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. It's really good so far. My English Teacher said it was a hard read, but I don't think so. Does that make me ultimately weird. I mean, yeah I read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and authors like that for fun, but so do a lot of people. Sure most of them aren't fifteen year old girls from Bracknell-Chav-Town...But it's not that uncommon...Surely?

But really right now, I'm trying to decide what to do with my life. Because change is good. I need 'good'. So I need change. The only problem? I don't know how to change.

I've tried a million and one times, but I just can't do it. Sometimes I get half way there, sometimes I don't even make the half way mark, but every time I have failed.

I know I can't put it off any longer though. Pretty soon I might end up killing myself. I know there are lots of people who will look at my life and say 'her life isn't so bad, she has a house, a family, friends. I have it worse'. But I'm not those people. And the fact that I do have a house and family and friends makes it worse in some ways. I have a house, a falling apart house that is too small. I have a family, a large one with three brothers, one of them being a baby, I don't have much in common wiht any of my family, distant included. Yes. I do have friends, and being quite a socially awkward person really, that can be very hard at times. When I am out with them which is really rarely, I feel like a third wheel a lot...I'm just like that I guess.

Lots of people think their lives are hard when they're not, and maybe I am one of those people. But Depression can be passed on through genes and I think my dad blessed me with depression. Not that I can be sure of that but, hey. Life sucks. Let's at least try and Live with it. Although sometimes suicide seems the nicest way out of this.

I just want to be normal sometimes. Go out at the weekend and do normal things. I try to do that but most of the time it doesn't work very well. I want a boy/girlfriend like normal people. But that seems so hopeless for me. I'm ugly, not clever, not funny, I'm an emotional wreck, I can barely even make polite conversation with anyone, let alone go out with them on a regular basis. I'm actually unlovable.

Lovely.
xxxCat